“It’s scan week and the anxiety is in full on crazy mode. There is a term we (“we” being other parents of kids with cancer) use to describe this feeling- scanxiety. It isn’t so much anxiety about what might happen this week, it is anxiety because of what already happened. We have already heard the words “your child has cancer” so that isn’t so much the fear- don’t get me wrong that is scary… but its hearing those words again and knowing what that means for our son.
I nervously panic every time I see him stumble, fall, or when a new bruise appears. I ask him daily if he is dizzy, or felt dizzy… scared of the answer even when he says “no mom my dizzies are all gone”… I still hold my breathe incase he doesn’t really know and I don’t want to get my hopes up.
We should be enjoying our first Christmas in our new home, making memories just for the sake of making memories. But even still, on the good days, as he bakes cookies with his sisters and laughs about the mess he made- the panic sets in. I feel the tears come to my eyes, worried, praying that these amazing times will not be overshadowed by the ugliness of cancer.
So for right now, I am just trying to enjoy this image of C laughing as his dad cleans up the mess he made on his shirt decorating cookies this past weekend. I am trying to focus on the good, the love, and the hope. The hope that scans go well this week and the hope that I can keep seeing this same smile from my favorite superhero.”
— A Dragonfly Mom