From the CarePages of one of our Dragonfly families (reprinted with permission):
“To be honest I’m not sure I know the words to write…
I’m not sure that any words can possess the heartache I feel…
I should advise that if you are easily offended you should probably stop reading…this is not easy and as you know, my words are as real as they come..
CANCER… what a profound word.. It’s a word that in an instant can change your entire life. It’s a word that can take your physical health, your mental stability, your pride, your dignity, your heart, your soul and ultimately your life…what’s even worse is that this word can take the most precious thing from you.. It can take your children…
Having lost every ounce of ounce of my pride, I come to you… In fact, I come to HIM… On bended knee I ask for prayer…
Having my son fight and beat cancer was one of the hardest journeys of my life. To put chemo in his body, knowing that it was killing everything was a decision I never wanted to make…but I made it.. To shave his head on chemo day 17 because his hair was falling out in clumps is not something that I ever wanted to face, but I faced it. To hold him day and night and watch him puke and gag was not something I ever wanted to see, but I kept my eyes open. To change his diaper every two hours because the chemo could eat his skin was not something I looked forward to doing, but I did it.. I never wanted to give “J” oxycodone, neurontin and ativan because he was in so much pain from vincristine but i held him close and watched the nurses administer it.. No matter what, WE did it. I’ll never forget those days of pure hell!
Remission is a word that is the complete opposite of cancer. Remission is an indescribable feeling… Remission is the epitome of happiness. Remission is where we want to be… Remission means that you’ve won…that your at the end…or so you think…
Then you get that dreaded phone call…the one that when you see caller ID you know it’s bad.. It’s your oncologists home number.. That’s never good…
I’m…
At a loss
Confused
Pissed off
Sad
Heartbroken
Frustrated
Questioning God
Questioning myself…
This isn’t fair. This can’t be. This is not supposed to happen….not to my son… He has already been through hell and back…he has paid his dues… My family can’t take anymore! “J” can’t take anymore… I can’t take anymore…
“J”‘s AFP is elevated. This is the lab that indicates a tumor. Of course we had the “what if” talk.. He used words like death, mortality, chemo, transplant and terminal.. Words that no parent should ever have to hear.. Why do I hear them OVER AND OVER?
Then it hit me… I hear them because I have the strongest freakin’ son!!! I have a miracle! I am the mommy to a miracle!! “J” has taught me to be a better person. He’s taught me about life and death! He’s taught me about love beyond measure!!! He’s taught me about faith… courage… and that nothing is impossible!
So cancer, if we meet again, I warn you. We will kick your a** over and over and trust me when I say if my son dies because of you, we will go down with the biggest fight you have ever seen.. I promise you, you are f*** with the wrong mommy. Cancer, if your rearing your ugly head you better give it all you’ve got because we are ready…and you have no idea who you are dealing with..
Scans will be next week with repeat labs… Please spread the word and pray for my son…pray for my miracle…for OUR miracle!!! Pray that there is no evidence of a tumor and pray that the labs are wrong! Pray for strength, courage and wisdom. Pray for me to find the strength to make the right decisions.. Pray for us… Pray for my family!!!
I apologize for the lengthy message but I’m at a loss and all I can do is ask for your thoughts and prayers…
Believe in miracles!!!!”